Fighting like mothers and daughters

Original post:  June 30, 2015

As the father of two sons, I must say that I can't relate to this article. That said, my wife did confirm that there is a great deal of truth to this article in the Wall Street Journal. Why Mothers and Teenage Daughters Fight - WSJ discusses the shifting dynamics in the relationship between a mother and a daughter. This excerpt describes the phenomenon:

The most consistently fraught relationship among relatives is the mother-teenage daughter bond, therapists and family-dynamic experts say. The crux of the problem: A mother often sees her daughter as an extension of herself, while the teen is trying to develop her own independence and individuality.

A mother sometimes identifies much more closely with a daughter than a son, both physically and emotionally, experts say. She wants to protect her daughter from making the same mistakes she’s made. She wants to give her daughter opportunities she never had. She wants her daughter to like—and to be like—her.

Typically, an adolescent daughter wants none of this. She’s trying to separate from her mom, and she sees the protection as controlling. And she may view her mom’s attempted guidance as criticism or disapproval.

There are times at work when we might have differing perspectives and/or expectations. We might mistakenly believe that our team understands exactly what we are attempting to do--even if we haven't fully communicated it to them!

Here are some of the key recommendations for resolving our differences:

It’s important to reframe the argument. In a typical quarrel, a mother may tell her daughter not to see a certain boy; the girl will feel criticized and become defensive and the quarrel will escalate. Ms. Brateman suggests the mother ask the daughter how she feels instead of telling her what to do.

It can help to talk about patterns of fighting—then agree to do it differently. If an argument is escalating, moms should suggest putting the discussion aside and coming back when emotions are less heated.

While at first glance it may not seem as if there are a lot of similarities between the mother-daughter relationship, perhaps there might be some lessons for us after all!