Fighting like mothers and daughters

Original post:  June 30, 2015

As the father of two sons, I must say that I can't relate to this article. That said, my wife did confirm that there is a great deal of truth to this article in the Wall Street Journal. Why Mothers and Teenage Daughters Fight - WSJ discusses the shifting dynamics in the relationship between a mother and a daughter. This excerpt describes the phenomenon:

The most consistently fraught relationship among relatives is the mother-teenage daughter bond, therapists and family-dynamic experts say. The crux of the problem: A mother often sees her daughter as an extension of herself, while the teen is trying to develop her own independence and individuality.

A mother sometimes identifies much more closely with a daughter than a son, both physically and emotionally, experts say. She wants to protect her daughter from making the same mistakes she’s made. She wants to give her daughter opportunities she never had. She wants her daughter to like—and to be like—her.

Typically, an adolescent daughter wants none of this. She’s trying to separate from her mom, and she sees the protection as controlling. And she may view her mom’s attempted guidance as criticism or disapproval.

There are times at work when we might have differing perspectives and/or expectations. We might mistakenly believe that our team understands exactly what we are attempting to do--even if we haven't fully communicated it to them!

Here are some of the key recommendations for resolving our differences:

It’s important to reframe the argument. In a typical quarrel, a mother may tell her daughter not to see a certain boy; the girl will feel criticized and become defensive and the quarrel will escalate. Ms. Brateman suggests the mother ask the daughter how she feels instead of telling her what to do.

It can help to talk about patterns of fighting—then agree to do it differently. If an argument is escalating, moms should suggest putting the discussion aside and coming back when emotions are less heated.

While at first glance it may not seem as if there are a lot of similarities between the mother-daughter relationship, perhaps there might be some lessons for us after all!

In sixty seconds or less

Original post:  Dec 4, 2013

When you are at a very large meeting, there is a strong likelihood that you will meet many individuals who have only a passing familiarity with you and your work. It happened to me this morning at breakfast. I was sitting at a table with three people who I had just met. We exchanged very brief backgrounds.

Prior to coming to the meeting, we had one main objective. We are trying to introduce new technology to the sales team. In order to maximize our effectiveness, we worked as a team to come up with an "elevator speech". The basic idea is that if you are riding an elevator with someone, you are supposed to convey your main point before the other person steps out.

It's actually much more challenging than it appears at first glance. We often have a tendency to take one of two extremes. At one end, we overestimate just how much the other person understands about our issues and give a story that is too vague to understand. At the other end, we may try to stuff ten pounds of details into a five pound speech and end up confusing or losing our audience entirely.

For our speech, we really came up with three key points to share with our target audience. For each point, we used an example that our pilot group had given us in their experience to underscore the point. Finally, we would point out all of the ways to get additional assistance if required.

So far, I think it's working. I suppose the best way to tell would be to check in with a few of the people we talked to later in the meeting.

Being right vs. not being wrong

Original post:  Dec 10, 2012

In Computerworld, there is an opinion piece with the title "Being Right vs. Not Being Wrong".

This article discusses the reptutation that computer scientists seem unable to shake. There is a perception that these "geeks" always have to be right. What makes matters worse, it may seem that these individuals also have to prove they know more than anyone else about everything.

I think that just about everyone believes they are right about most things most of the time. What we may need to understand is that conceding that you are right doesn't necessarily make me wrong.

Sometimes, we can fall prey to the desire to correct every last piece of information. That happened to me recently with one of my boys. I thought a clone trooper figure that they had was wearing the original Phase I armor when it was actually the improved Phase II armor (as I should have been able to tell by the slight variation in the helmet--silly Daddy). Let's just say that while this type of correction is technically accurate, it won't win over many converts!

The article goes on to point out some pharses that we can use to help improve our relations with our co-workers. I know I will personally work to incorporate more of this into my everyday life:

• "You're right, and..."
• "Let me make sure I understand."
• "I really like your idea!"

Sharp differences sharpen thinking

Original post:  Oct 16, 2012

In the past month, I've participated in a number of discussions with individuals representing organizations across the healthcare supply chain. Needless to say, we don't always agree.

One example occurred in the most recent GS1 US workgroup meeting. We were attempting to compile our comments for a submission to the FDA on the proposed UDI rule. GS1 US represents both hospitals and manufacturers at the same time. The hospital groups asked for a comment to reduce the time allotted for the implementation of the rule. On the other side, manufacturers were asking for more time because of the complexity of the rule. Both sides passionately believed that they were right.

On the one hand, there is a need for the data. It is difficult to overstate how hard it is to track individual items without a standardized method to account for them in the stream. On the other hand, the hospitals have no idea how difficult it is to gather information, verify its accuracy, and then to report on that information to the FDA while constantly under the threat of an audit that could literally shut down your business.

At the end of the session, we all agreed that it would be counterproductive to submit a comment that contradicted itself. Since we could not agree on the comment, each side was asked to work within their own organizations to submit that particular comment on that aspect of the rule.

While we didn't come to consensus, the episode did highlight the depth of passion on both sides. It also helped us understand that this vital process will not be implemented easily.

I find that I enjoy discussing these types of issues in depth with others. Debating the issue with others who challenge our thinking really helps to strengthen our own arguments in support of our ideas.

Same old story

Original post:  Jun 25, 2012

We have had the grandparents visiting over the past two weeks. The in-laws came for the first week and my mother visited this past week. While the experience overall went quite well, there were a few minor downsides.

All of the grandparents have their favorite stories. Mine are no exception. Unfortunately, we have gotten to the point where they have begun to repeat themselves. The anecdote that was fresh and lively begins to lose its luster after the fifteenth retelling. At times, I have to catch myself from blurting out the end to the story before the current replay is completed. Sometimes it's a struggle to listen and wait for your opening to reply since it can take quite some time.

It took the space of this weekend without them to realize a few things. First, I ought to cherish the fact that they made the enormous effort to visit. They came from quite some distance away (my mother flew 5,000 miles and my in-laws drove seven hours) to be with us. Second, I should remember that these experiences are part of what makes them who they are today. There will come a day when I am the one who has told the same story one too many times. I should have the patience with them that I hope others will have with me. Finally, I ought to look for new angles. Perhaps a question or two could take the story in a slightly different direction. They could talk about some minor point which could lead to a very different discussion.

In the same way, there are times when I need to take the same approach at work. There may be times when I am tempted to tune out someone at work who seems to be repeating themselves over and over. Perhaps there might be some way to expand on the conversation or learn something new. If I am open to it, I might even learn something that I had not expected.

There are people I know who hate to watch the same show twice. I actually don't mind. Even when I know where the story is going, I am analyzing it to see what I liked and what I didn't. I might think about ways I might have done something differently or explored a different possibility. Many times, I'll even come up with an insight that wasn't there before.

I'll try to see if I can apply that same principle at work in the coming weeks.

Do you see what I see?

Original post:  Mar. 28, 2012

During a recent presentation, I thought I was moving at my normal pace. At one point, one of the participants raised their hand and asked me to slow down. I had not realized how quickly I was moving through the material. I suppose it is easy to forget that the slides I was presenting for the twentieth time were being seen for the first time by this audience.

We often overlook the fact that there is literally no one who has our complete experience. There are going to be times when we might be the only person in the company who possesses that bit of knowledge and expertise. Without a background in the subject, it is difficult to appreciate the nuance that a fully trained individual might have.

In my own life, my six-year-old son shakes his head when he has to explain to me the difference between green and red light sabers. He scoffs at my inability to differentiate between the MTT and the Venator. When I ask him how he can tell Qui-Gon Jinn apart from Obi-Wan Kenobi, he rolls his eyes. He takes a passionate interest in Star Wars and cannot understand how I fail to share his level of commitment.

I have to keep reminding myself that what I think is self-evident often is not. Sometimes this effect is most apparent when I speak to my direct supervisors. I have sometimes assumed that they were more directly involved than they were. I am guilty of forgetting that they often have many other issues that are going to be at the forefront of their mind (well ahead of my daily struggles). If I can add some context and give them the highlights, they can quickly get back up to speed and at least see a small portion of my field of view.

Perhaps tonight I ought to spend some time in a galaxy far, far away....