Taking a hard look at yourself

Original post:  Jan 20, 2015

We've all done it. We watch a situation unfold and immediately begin criticizing the execution. If only the participants had done this or that, then the outcome would have been incredibly different. We're so sure that we have the answers for others.

The real challenge begins when others apply the same lens to us. Suddenly, we're not so sure that they understand all of the intangibles that went into the decision. If only those armchair judges could sit in our shoes then they would understand all of the complex reasoning that went into our different handling of the situation.

It's so easy to pick out the faults in others. It's really difficult to use the same harsh grading scale on ourselves.

Over the weekend, I spent some time with extended family members. When you are dealing with people you may only see once or twice a year, you don't get a true picture. You only get snapshots and glances that must be extrapolated into a fuller picture. The classic example is the relative's story of meeting a rock star as part of a TV audience. Because they didn't personally greet each and everyone and only gave out a crappy participation gift, this star went from a classy human being to a shady cheapskate. Unfair? Perhaps, but it's what happened.

At this particular event, we had a smaller session with a subset of the family analyzing how we could solve the issues. The loudest voice came from an older relative who calmly explained exactly what should have been done to resolve this really tricky dispute between two other family members. If they would only bring their disagreements out in the open, then they would be able to come to an amicable resolution! True, but getting to that point would be near impossible since the pair weren't speaking to each other at the moment. What made it even more ironic was that this particular relative had a similar dispute with another family member that went for years and was never resolved because they did not speak to each other!

Since it is still January, I resolve to try to use the same judgment on myself that I would first apply to others. I may not always succeed, but I will try to remind myself to tone down the criticism wherever possible.

How to take criticism well

Original post:  Jun 19, 2014

Over the course of our careers, we will run into situations where we do not perform as well as we had hoped. If we are lucky, we'll have a mentor who can point out where things went wrong and how to do better next time. The challenge then becomes ours. If we can stay calm and accept constructive criticism without becoming emotional, we might be able to use that advice to improve.

This article in yesterday's Wall Street Journal addresses that issue. Sue Shellenbarger discusses ways to develop a rare skill:  the ability to take negative feedback well. In her opinion, the potential payoff is huge:

It is a skill that requires practice, humility and a sizable dose of self-awareness. But the ability to learn from criticism fuels creativity at work, studies show, and helps the free flow of valuable communication.

Tempering an emotional response can be hard, especially "if you're genuinely surprised and you're getting that flood of adrenaline and panic," says Douglas Stone, a lecturer at Harvard Law School and co-author of "Thanks for the Feedback."

Here is the link to the full article:  "A Better Response to Criticism at Work"

Here are some tips from the printed article that do not appear online:

When you get negative feedback at work:

1. Don't get angry. The boss will become angry and mistrustful of you. You should calm down, meet again and apologize, and ask for examples or evidence.
2. Don't cry. All the boss will remember is the tears. You should ask for a follow-up meeting, apologize for being emotional and focus on specifics and next steps.
3. Don't deny it. The boss doubts your credibility. You should meet again, explain that you failed to see the big picture at first, and ask for specifics.
4. Don't blame others. The boss will lose respect for you. You should focus on yourself and look for something you can learn from the feedback, then meet again.

Here are some samples of things you should say:

1. "I want to be sure I understand. Is this what you're saying?"
2. "Do you mind if I give that some thought and we'll talk later?"
3. "This comes as a surprise. Could you give me some examples?"
4. "I hadn't considered looking at it that way. Could you tell me a little more about how you see that?"

Too much of a good thing....

Original post:  Mar 28, 2013

Mid-year evaluations are coming up. It's always difficult to do these activities well. It isn't easy to accept criticism, no matter how well-intentioned.

We view a fair amount of reality television in my household. One perennial favorite is "Survivor." On this particular season, there is a gentleman who believes he is running the show but may in fact be fooling only himself. There is another player on his tribe who secretly despises him while the other members of his alliance tolerate him as much for his vote as anything else. They sum up one of his problems by saying that he sees all of his positives and none of his negatives.

I thought about that for quite some time. It rang true. He helped the tribe win a challenge through his dogged determination and strength. This led him to believe that he would always be the strongest member who would take the brunt of the focus. Unfortunately for him, it led directly to a major failure in the tribe's next challenge as his overconfidence led him to convince the tribe to follow a strategy doomed to failure. Despite this poor result, he still explained away his poor performance by blaming other factors and refused to move off of his original ideas!

One major problem with only hearing the positives about ourselves is the lack of growth. Without knowing what we need to improve, we may be blindsided by the propensity for those negative traits to pop up at the most inopportune moments. As long as the critiques are based in objective evidence, we ought to be able to give them a fair hearing in the hopes that it can help us improve.

I just hope that I take the same attitude when I get to see my own review....

Self-censorship

Original post:  October 7, 2011

I can sometimes be my own worst enemy. I may hear something that I disagree with. Someone else may say something that is incorrect. At times, I may want to whip out a witty reply or dispute the point.

There is a problem with that type of behavior. Most people don't like to be corrected. Many don't like being challenged. What I think might be a simple barb might be perceived as a vicious attack. Gentle correction may label you as an opponent--or worse, an enemy. It can be really difficult to resist the temptation to score an easy point or laugh in the moment. If it results in a slight, it could come back at a most inopportune moment in the future.

My wife enjoys watching the talent shows on TV. We are both impressed by the way that the judges on the "Sing-Off" can give detailed constructive criticism. On some other shows, the judges sometimes take pride in tearing the contestants down. In my opinion, there is a difference between honesty and cruelty. Those who don't know the difference are often the ones with the most brittle egos themselves.

We often know the right thing to do in most situations. The trick is being able to make the wise decision in the moment as it is happening (instead of days or weeks of contemplation after the fact).