How to be someone people love to talk to

Original post:  Mar 24, 2015

There are just some people who seem to have a knack for conversation. While it may seem as if they are just gifted at the art of gab, the reality is that there are many subtle tactics you can employ to help you improve your perception among others. This post will cover highlights, but you can find full details here:  How To Be Someone People Love To Talk To

The first point is that people like to talk to people they like. They often form that first impression almost instantaneously. If you think people will reject you, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It takes effort, but making an honest effort in presenting a warm, open greeting will go a long way towards garnering favorable reviews.

It also helps if you aren't always trying to impress. Sometimes trying to hard can be a major detractor.

Encourage people to talk about themselves. Studies have shown it gives the brain as much pleasure as food or money. FBI agents use it to build rapport--even with criminals who are determined to resist.

You need to listen. You also need to show the other person that you are listening. There are a number of techniques like mirroring or paraphrasing that can help people know that they have been heard and, more importantly, understood.

Emphasize similarity. Ask questions. Compliment others. Ask their advice.

It's also important to end the conversation well with a proper goodbye. The article has many suggestions.

Good luck and good conversing!

How To Be Someone People Love To Talk To

We're not having the same conversation

Original post:  Aug 9, 2013

I'm sure we all have our differences from time to time with our co-workers. What's most important is to figure out the best way to settle our issues as quickly as possible so that we can collaborate effectively.

This article from HBR offers some insight into these very situations. Here is a quick excerpt:

I was running late. My wife Eleanor and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o'clock and it was already half past. I had a good excuse in the form of a client meeting that ran over and I wasted no time getting to the dinner as fast as possible.

When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told her I didn't mean to be late.

She answered: "You never mean to be late." Uh oh, she was mad.

"Sorry," I retorted, "but it was unavoidable." I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanations not soothe her, they seemed to make things worse. That started to make me angry.

That dinner didn't turn out to be our best.

Several weeks later, when I was describing the situation to a friend of mine, Ken Hardy, a professor of family therapy, he smiled.

"You made a classic mistake," he told me.

"Me? I made the mistake?" I was only half joking.

"Yes. And you just made it again," he said. "You're stuck in your perspective: You didn't mean to be late. But that's not the point. The point is that you werelate. The point — and what's important in your communication — is how your lateness impacted Eleanor."

In other words, I was focused on my intention while Eleanor was focused on the consequences. We were having two different conversations. In the end, we both felt unacknowledged, misunderstood, and angry.

The author also offers some advice:

What should I have said to Eleanor?

"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."

All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"

While it may seem difficult at first to take this approach, I am sure it will yield dividends. I am planning to see if I can incorporate it more often into my own experiences.

Here is the link to the full article:  http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2013/04/what-to-do-when-youve-angered.html?cm_sp=blog_flyout-_-bregman-_-what_to_do_when_youve_angered

Same old story

Original post:  Jun 25, 2012

We have had the grandparents visiting over the past two weeks. The in-laws came for the first week and my mother visited this past week. While the experience overall went quite well, there were a few minor downsides.

All of the grandparents have their favorite stories. Mine are no exception. Unfortunately, we have gotten to the point where they have begun to repeat themselves. The anecdote that was fresh and lively begins to lose its luster after the fifteenth retelling. At times, I have to catch myself from blurting out the end to the story before the current replay is completed. Sometimes it's a struggle to listen and wait for your opening to reply since it can take quite some time.

It took the space of this weekend without them to realize a few things. First, I ought to cherish the fact that they made the enormous effort to visit. They came from quite some distance away (my mother flew 5,000 miles and my in-laws drove seven hours) to be with us. Second, I should remember that these experiences are part of what makes them who they are today. There will come a day when I am the one who has told the same story one too many times. I should have the patience with them that I hope others will have with me. Finally, I ought to look for new angles. Perhaps a question or two could take the story in a slightly different direction. They could talk about some minor point which could lead to a very different discussion.

In the same way, there are times when I need to take the same approach at work. There may be times when I am tempted to tune out someone at work who seems to be repeating themselves over and over. Perhaps there might be some way to expand on the conversation or learn something new. If I am open to it, I might even learn something that I had not expected.

There are people I know who hate to watch the same show twice. I actually don't mind. Even when I know where the story is going, I am analyzing it to see what I liked and what I didn't. I might think about ways I might have done something differently or explored a different possibility. Many times, I'll even come up with an insight that wasn't there before.

I'll try to see if I can apply that same principle at work in the coming weeks.