Self-compassion works better than self-esteem

It's always difficult to strike the proper balance between resilience and narcissism. In this article from the Atlantic, there is a discussion about something I had never truly considered. It's a concept called self-compassion. It is offered as a different way to support yourself in difficult times.

This new method is considered different from the push for self-esteem. There isn't anything wrong with self-esteem, but it often relies on comparisons to others. Esteem is often built by thinking of ourselves as superior to others--a concept which might be undermined by our average reality. The article goes on to say that it is in precisely those moments when we might most need encouragement that our self-esteem abandons us. Here is a more detailed discussion:

When I teach workshops I say, it's logically impossible for everyone to be above average at all times, so we're basically predicating ourselves with a logical impossibility. Eventually that's going to hit reality. Maybe somebody does do that better than me. Do I accept that or am I destabilized by that?

Usually, self-esteem is highly contingent on success. And the three domains it’s contingent on are, first, peer approval. That's what other kids at school and other people of work think of me, which is a really lousy source of information, because a) they don't know you very well and b) you don't know what they think of you very well.

And then, perceived appearance, which for women is especially damning, and it's also the most important domain for self-esteem for women. One of the reasons boys don't suffer as much from low self-esteem is that boys, growing up, they think they're pretty attractive. They rate their own attractiveness pretty high. The standards of beauty are much higher for girls than for boys. For girls, from the third grade, you start seeing a nose-dive in how attractive they think they are. Starting in third grade think, girls think, "I'm fat," and "I'm not pretty enough," and start comparing themselves to high standards and their self-esteem takes a hit. Boys stay pretty stable.

The final one is success. The real problem with that is self-esteem is only available when we succeed. But when we fail, self-esteem deserts us, which is precisely when we need it most. And some people argue that the instability of self-esteem going up and down is more damaging than the level of self-esteem itself.

Self-compassion says that we should talk to ourselves in our shortcomings as if we were our own best friend. Here is the alternative:

One component is self-kindness, which is in a way the most obvious. But it also entails a recognition of common humanity—in other words, the understanding that all people are imperfect, and all people have imperfect lives. Sometimes, when we fail, we react as if something has gone wrong—that this shouldn't be happening. “I shouldn't have failed, I shouldn't have had this issue come up in my life.” And this sense that “this shouldn't be happening,” as if everyone else in the world were living perfectly happy, unproblematic lives. That type of thinking really causes a lot of additional suffering, because people feel isolated and separated from the rest of humanity.

So, when we have self-compassion, when we fail, it's not “poor me,” it's “well, everyone fails.” Everyone struggles. This is what it means to be human. And that really radically alters how we relate to failure and difficulty. When we say, "Oh, this is normal, this is part of what it means to human," that opens the door to the grow from the experience. If we feel like it's abnormal, this shouldn't be happening, then we start blaming ourselves.

Self-compassion also entails a mindfulness. In order to have self-compassion, we have to be willing to turn toward and acknowledge our suffering. Typically, we don't want to do that. We want to avoid it, we don't want to think about it, and want to go straight into problem-solving.

And in fact, I would argue that self-compassion also provides a sense of self-worth, but it's not linked to narcissism the way self-esteem is. It's not linked to social comparison the way self-esteem is, and it's not contingent, because you have self-compassion both when you fail and when you succeed. The sense of self-worth that comes from being kind to yourself is much more stable over time than the sense of self-worth that comes from judging yourself positively.

I think this is an excellent method. Here is the link to the full article:  http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/05/why-self-compassion-works-better-than-self-esteem/481473/

Math Stumps Your Doctor

In Bloomberg View, there is an article discussing the changing nature of healthcare. Doctors are now being presented with complex statistics that require mathematical skills to parse. Here is an example:

Take the famous hypothetical example of a test that is 95 percent accurate for a disease that affects 0.1 percent of the population. Imagine you’re a doctor and your patient tests positive. What is the chance that she has the disease? Most people’s intuitive answer is a rather dire 95 percent. This is wrong in a big way. Despite the ominous test result, the patient is unlikely to be sick. 

“Even doctors and medical students are prone to this error,” wrote Aron Barbey, a cognitive neuroscientist at the University of Illinois, in a paper on risk literacy published last month in the journal Science.

Some people do get the right answer: that the patient has about a 2 percent chance of having the disease.

To be honest, I did not know that answer. The article goes on to provide one way to illustrate how they came up with the answer. Once I read that, I started to see how that made logical sense.

But there’s also an intuitive approach that requires no formula at all. Imagine 1,000 people getting the test. On average, one will have the disease. The 5 percent error rate means that about 50 of the 999 healthy people will test positive. Now it’s easy to see that the group of false positives is about 50 times bigger than the group of real positives. In other words, just 2 percent of the people testing positive are likely to be sick.

I found the discussion of inside versus outside views interesting.

In an interview, Barbey said that when dealing with conditional probabilities, people often make the mistake of focusing on just the population statistics (what he calls the outside view) or just the patient’s individual statistics (the inside view). In the ALS story, the doctor saw only the outside view, focusing on the low rate of the disease in the whole population. In the problem of the test that's 95-percent accurate, people often take the inside view, ignoring the rarity of the disease.

Here is the link to the full article:  http://www.bloombergview.com/articles/2016-05-05/math-stumps-your-doctor-too

Learning patience

Prior to the season, we discussed Little League tryouts with our older son. He had the option of trying out for AAA or the majors. He played AAA ball last year and was clearly one of the best players on his team. If he stayed at the same level, he would be guaranteed to be a starter and likely the star. His other option would be to reach a bit and play in the majors. While he has the talent to be there, he would be competing with boys as old as 12. Two years may not seem like a lot, but it is an enormous gap. If he made the team (and there would be no guarantees), he would likely slot in as a reserve fighting for playing time.

My boy decided to give the majors a shot. He's always been competitive. It was, in my opinion, the right choice at the time. While it's fun to be the best player on your team, it's also not as satisfying if you are playing inferior competition. In order for him to grow, he needs to be challenged.

The good news is that he made the majors. I thought he was talented enough to make the leap. It turns out that he made it with plenty to spare. He was assigned to the Twins. I've since learned that they try to set up the teams so that you continue with the team over the years.

Well, the results so far have been about what I expected. He's certainly not the top player on his team. As much as I want to be a proud father, I also have to be realistic. He's better than some of the kids and probably in the middle of the pack. He can certainly field better than most and pitches fairly well but his hitting needs to become more consistent. He's already set himself a goal to be the second best pitcher on the team by the end of the year. To be honest, I think he could actually do it if he applies himself.

At the same time, he is now learning the realities of what had previously been just a possibility. In the first game, he got to play the whole game. In his second game on Saturday night, he was told that he would be spending the first three innings (of six) on the bench. He was none too pleased. It turned out to be a tight ballgame. Along the way, he did make some nice fielding plays at second base. When he came up in the top of the fifth, the Twins were trailing 2-0 and there were two men on. The Orioles pitcher had been mowing our guys down all night, so I was nervous. He took two pitches and then connected on the third. Unfortunately, he caught the ball a little low and popped it into short right field. While the Twins would eventually plate one run, they ended up losing 4-1.

At the end of the game, he was really upset. He went into his standard rage mode. It was less about the loss and more about the fact that he only got to play half the game. I tried to let him know that it was part of the process, but he didn't want to hear about it. It's really tough to have to watch helplessly while he goes through his acceptance process.

There was another game Sunday. I thought he had an excellent session in the batting cage before the game. While they were warming up on the field, things seemed to be going fairly well. The last drill was just to take a few grounders. As the coach hit grounders around the horn, my son's turn came up. The first ball came and he just did not pick it up properly. It went whizzing past him. Coach then hit him a second ball which he proceeded to let slip under his glove. I guess it was no surprise when he started out Sunday's game again on the bench.

I could see him seething. He started throwing his hat around and making mad faces. Instead of encouraging the others, he started to wallow in self-pity. It was hard to watch. I tried to talk to him, but he kept storming away. At some point, he took possession of the scoreboard remote control and was going to keep score. I walked over and asked him for it while directing him to the bench. He reluctantly went back. The first three innings were a constant push to get him back into the dugout to be present and trying to remind him to watch for things like pitcher tendencies and umpire calls.

He finally got in the game in the fourth. He was able to make a few nice plays in the field. He caught an easy pop-up. In the sixth, he had a ball hit sharply to him that suddenly veered off to his left at the last minute. It could have easily slipped by, but he snared it and made a strong throw to second to get the out. The only downside was that it was another well-pitched game. The Twins ended up winning 4-1 (symmetry!), so they didn't bat in the bottom of the sixth. That meant he didn't get to hit at all.

Ironically, one of the least talented kids on the team started the game in left field. He came up with two men on in the third and got a piece of a ball which whistled down the right field line for a two-run double. It doubled the Twins score and turned out to be a critical play in a close game. He ended up getting a game ball for his efforts.

I think that this will be a long process. There are 20 games on the regular season schedule and then playoffs. If the Twins perform as I expect, they should make it. They have only played 5 games (3-2). We missed the first two because of our recent trip to visit my brother. I expect that my young man will have many opportunities to prove himself. I just hope that all of this watching and waiting drives him to push himself harder instead of having him fall prey to his frustration.

As they say, only time will tell. We'll both just have to learn to be patient.

Happiness as a choice?

On the Atlantic, there is an article entitled "Why So Many Smart People Aren't Happy". It's an extended discussion with author Raj Raghunathan on his book "If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy?"

I find the topic fascinating. It's always tempting to compare yourself to others. I'm sure there are always situations where we firmly believe that we deserve much more than we actually receive. In my own opinion, I don't think that it's healthy to base our own happiness on our relative standing against others. There will always be someone richer or more powerful or more beautiful than what you see in the mirror. There will always be something you wish you had that you don't. Why not be happy with what you are blessed to receive?

I have always held to the belief that you find what you are looking for. In this case, it seems like there is confirmation for this in terms of our perception of happiness.

Sign me up!

Via Wired, there is a Dutch industrial engineer named Manon Kuhne who created the HeadRest. This device appears to be a substantial improvement over your standard neck pillow. It helps block your peripheral vision and creates something like a hammock for your head!

Unfortunately, it's still in the prototype stages. I plan to look for them as soon as they are commercially available.

Here is the link to the full article:  http://www.wired.com/2016/04/clever-headrest-make-flying-actually-bearable/

Luck vs. skill

In "The Warriors Aren't Lucky", there is an examination of the role of skill versus luck in a variety of activities. The model shown below gives an outline for the article:

The range moves from skill to luck as you move from left to right. I found it interesting to note that investing is really something of a literal crapshoot. According to the author, Justin Fox, the skill of stockpicking really plays a very tiny role in the overall return. I guess there's a reason why people like Warren Buffet command so much respect!

I also found it fascinating that football requires the most luck of all of professional team sports. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that because of the violence involved, playoffs in football are single contests. Chance can play a much greater role in the form of injured stars or freaky bounces. I suppose the Patriots would nod their heads in agreement as the Helmet Catch rolls on in the background.

Here is the link to the full article: http://www.bloombergview.com/articles/2016-04-14/the-warriors-aren-t-lucky

Fortunate son

I am a very lucky man.

All of my life, I have been the beneficiary of fortunate circumstances. If I knew back then that my life would lead me to the place where I am today, I would likely be amazed and quite pleased. Virtually everything that I could have ever asked for is either in place or on the way to becoming reality.

Life is good.

This article in the Atlantic discusses how luck plays a major role in our lives. In contrast to the idealized version of the Horatio Alger story in the American myth, many of our most prominent citizens owe their fortunes to accidents of happenstance or blind luck. It flies in the face of the wildly popular view that the wealthy and the powerful achieved everything that they did on their own without any outside assistance.

I think back to the debate in the last presidential election. The debate at that time started out with Sen. Warren pointing out that no entrepreneur succeeds without a healthy serving of public assistance. Whether through the form of student aid or solid roads or clean air and water, every one of us relies in large part on a social contract with our fellow neighbors.

Make no mistake, there is still effort required. I have little doubt that the successful among us have labored mightily in order to come out ahead. That doesn't mean that they weren't also lucky. I guess the analogy I would draw is to professional sports--especially team sports. There is certainly no question that each of the individual players is talented and among the best in the world. But I think it's wrong for the champions to dismiss the efforts of the vanquished. It's not like the losing team is not trying hard. Sometimes the better team will end up losing on a bad break through no fault of their own. I don't think anyone will say that luck diminishes the victory!

In any case, I am thankful for all that I have been able to achieve and looking forward to what might come.

Here is the link to the full article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/05/why-luck-matters-more-than-you-might-think/476394/